What ‘Withholding’ Means in a Relationship
“When we are free, we can look in the face of our cravings and desires and say, ‘I don't have to satisfy you.’”
Marsha M. Linehan
DBT Skills Training: Manual
Withholding within a relationship is excluding the other person from the with-holder’s life. It is a serious form of rejection and devaluing the person who wants to know, be involved with, and be close with the with-holder. Withholding within a relationship can come in the form of any number of choices, to include
not allowing the other person to make his/her own conclusions about the with-holder
manipulating the other person’s perspective
belief that the other person isn’t privy to know information
refusing to share information
being difficult to get to know
being difficult to read and interpret
lying
lying by omission
censoring
secrecy
using the other person to have experiences to brag about and to impress others
stealing information and experiences from the other person for the with-holder to use and enjoy elsewhere and with others
compartmentalizing: separate and secret relationships, interactions and interests
hiding
people-pleasing
not initiating actions
in romantic relationship: directing sensual and sexual energy, attention and interest elsewhere
lack of empathy, compassion and understanding
unwilling to admit mistakes
unwilling to collaborate and resolve issues and differences
lacking in self-expression
shut down
vacant
easily distracted
excessive or maladaptive daydreaming
limerence
projecting issues onto the other person
conveniently forgetting
being willfully-blind and oblivious
aloofness
nihilism
If you’re the type of person who values having deep connection and closeness with another person, attempting to have this type of relationship with a withholding person is futile. You will be signing yourself up for a world of hurt as you continuously chase the dangling carrot and always feel rejected.
Even if you have empathy and assume that the withholding person is only withholding because he/she is fearful and otherwise has emotional issues, the fact is, that doesn’t matter. A person will only change if he/she desires to change. Such an emotionally-troubled person would have to choose to do the work to heal and change. Don’t bank on that ever happening if you want to keep your dignity and peace.
Based on my own experience with withholding relationships, it’s important to accept to your core that a withholding person (perhaps, besides superficially and ego-boosting)
wants you to stay out of his/her life
does not want you to know him/her
is not interested in being involved with you
is not interested in being close to you
is not interested in you
You might have to remind yourself of this several times a day until it sticks. As you accept this painful reality, you can then direct your attention and energy into your self-care and concern and apply your gifts to where they are valued.
Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.