Quit Trying to ‘Make Them Happy’
I hear and read a lot of people express concern about making the people in their relationships happy. I’ve even been asked before, “How can I make you happy?” Or I have been told, “I can never make you happy!”
Frankly, this perplexes me because it seems the focus is on the wrong thing. Ask yourself instead, “Why isn’t our relationship close, connected, safe and secure for both of us?”
We can’t make another person feel happy. We are responsible for our own happiness. What we can do, however, is determine what makes ourselves happy and who we want to be in a relationship.
For example, I am happy being loyal, faithful, determined, honest, transparent, protective, perceptive, aware, accountable, reliable, communicative, a receptive listener, compassionate, understanding, having respectful boundaries, providing feedback and input, etc.
A person who appreciates these character traits and actions will value having me as an ally. However, this person may or may not be happy being with me or with themselves.
A person who doesn’t value these traits in a relationship, might expect other things from me (such as buying gifts, ignoring lies and deception, doing tasks I don’t desire to do, being superficial or silent, etc.) which I am unwilling or unable to do. This person will likely be unhappy being with me.
Also, when we are focused on someone’s moods (the moods which we assume equate to happiness or lack thereof), we’re not really seeing and hearing the other person or recognizing what the relationship really is. Additionally, this “make them happy” objective seems to involve putting on a presentation or show, and assuming that the other person will be happy because of our show. This seems to be a tactic instead of a standard we, ourselves, choose to set and live by. All of these methods and tactics are forms of dissociating and are possibly even manipulation.
It’s really important to be honest with yourself and with the other person in your relationship about what and who you typically are, and what you’re willing and desire to be and do. Be and do that because it makes you happy to be that way. In doing so, you are allowing the other person to decide if he/she wants a relationship with you, and if so, what type of relationship he/she wants with you.
This is a great way to allow yourself and the other person to be accountable for your own feelings. And it should help you to move from being a people-pleaser to being empowered, honest, true to yourself, and authentic.
Instead of asking, “What can I do to make you happy?” try asking these questions instead:
What do we each want from our relationship?
How much do we each want to invest into this relationship?
What are our expectations of each other and of ourselves in this relationship?
What do we each think are the most important gauges of a successful and fulfilling relationship?
What makes each of us feel appreciated?
What kind of input do we want from each other?
How much do we each want to know and be known by the other?
Are we both interested in learning, growing, and maturing—together and as individuals?
How do we each handle conflict?
What will make us each trust each other?
What will bring us closer, and make us more connected and bonded?
What will make this relationship more meaningful to both of us?
What will make each of us feel heard?
What will make us each feel valued by the other?
What will make us each feel respected by the other?
What will make us each of us and our well-being feel supported: emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually?
What will make us each feel protected and secure?
What will make us each feel loved and cared for?
How each person sees these questions, let alone the answers to these questions, might point to the relationship being incompatible. Or they just might help you both to expand and deepen your relationship.
Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.