Setting Boundaries
It’s important to set boundaries for ourselves with other people in order to stay true to ourselves, have integrity, have self-respect, care for ourselves, be able to trust ourselves, and be trustworthy and reliant people.
Set boundaries based on four (4) main areas:
who you want to be, what life do you want to lead
your needs
what you willingly chose to give
what you are unwilling to tolerate
First, determine the kind of person you want to be and as such, the kind of life you want to lead. This will help you to know where to draw the line for your own thoughts, behaviors and choices—based on your principles, values, and ethics. Setting boundaries for yourself is as important as setting boundaries related to others. Setting personal boundaries for yourself will help you in setting boundaries with others.
Secondly, determine your needs in a relationship and in dealing with others. Be very clear within yourself about this so you will not waver.
Third, be aware of you willingly chose to give. This is giving out of the goodness of your heart. This is what you believe is the responsible and right thing to do and is also within your capabilities of giving while still being responsible for and maintaining your own well-being.
Fourth, determine what you are willing and not willing to tolerate in your relationships and interactions with others. Be very clear about this as well so you cannot be fooled and manipulated into making exceptions.
You will use the combination of who you desire to be, what your own needs are, what you willingly choose to give, and that which you are unwilling to tolerate, to determine your boundaries with others. Be sure about what you want for yourself and your life; trust in this, and be your own best ally. Stand strong in your integrity and dignity. Be consistent.
When setting boundaries with others, words might not be required at all. But if you must use words to set a boundary,
be calm
be concise
do not over-explain or repeat yourself
do not apologize for setting a boundary
do not agitate or patronize
empathize, initially, if you are creating a major change in the relationship with a boundary
speak on your own behalf, and not about the other person
For example: “I don’t want to experience this anymore. The next time this happens, I will have to walk away. I wanted you to know this in advance so you don’t wonder why I’m walking away if I need to do so.” Or “I choose to not take part in this.”
Acting on a boundary could include any of the following:
not reacting
staying silent
changing the subject
creating a non-triggering distraction
walking away from the situation
leaving the location
ending the relationship or circumstance
Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.