Don’t Ignore Mixed Messages
Throughout my life, I was told I was too sensitive, too particular, too needy, too judgemental, too serious, etc.
In hindsight, the people who gave me these messages were people who seemed to
be fine living on levels one, two or three of relationship engagement and skill, and/or
not care to be very close to people, and/or
be emotionally-immature and out-of-touch, and/or
want to still keep me around so they could use me, and were attempting to keep me in my ‘place’ by making such comments, , and/or
feel too exposed in showing the contrast of our ways-of-being which pointed to their inadequacies, disabilities or disinterest, and/or
find my ways-of-being and levels of engagement and skill to be too much work, and/or
simply not like me
Regardless of their reasons, I developed complex about desiring to have a level five (deep, meaningful, engaged, trusting) relationship in which sensitivity, awareness, high standards, vulnerability, discernment, principles, and sincerity would be highly-valued assets.
As someone who is sincere and intentional about choosing my friends and those who I invest time into, it is very meaningful and significant for me when I choose someone to get to know. I pick people who I would like to know more and therefore make time for and put energy into.
When the people I pick don’t seem to want to know me much, don’t care about my knowing them much and/or don’t make the time for me, their rejection does sting a bit.
However, I’m smart enough to know to back off from those people. Maybe they are fine just casually hanging out; if I’m fine with that too, I keep it very light and don’t emotionally-invest in such people. This is how I don’t get hurt by their disinterest in sharing something deeper with me.
Some people, however, give mixed messages. They show a few signs of seeming interested in a close relationship with me. But on the other hand, there are many actions and choices they make which show the opposite.
Where I have gone very wrong is my not interpreting the mixed messages as simply one “not interested” message. Receiving mixed messages is the antithesis of what a level-five relationship is about. Confusion-creating mixed message are acceptable, perhaps, in relationship levels one or two (pretty surface, probably just wanting another warm body or a set of ears around).
But those who want a level-five relationship insist on their providing clarity and truth for the other person and for the relationship. Clarity. Not mixed messages. Not confusion.
I believe I didn’t interpret mixed messages as a “not interested” message because of remnants of my having a complex about what I desire in a relationship as I pointed to above. In my subconscious, I was still doubting myself for what I wanted to share and to receive in my relationships. So I, instead, tried to make exceptions after exceptions, disregarding my own needs and disregarding the fact that I want to receive that which I have to give.
In doing so, instead of accepting the initial sting of rejection I felt when I initially choose someone who wasn’t interested, the sting was on-going and the entire relationship had felt like a continuous experience of being excluded and being rejected. Rather than experiencing authentic joy, I was always attempting to not experience pain.
In those relationships, I tried to buck up, change what I needed in a relationship, kept my feelings subdued, tried to change what the other person needed, tried to fake contentment, allowed myself to be guilt-tripped, and on and on. What a mess!
As a result of finally recognizing the cause of my emotional pain with my getting involved with mixed-messages people, I have healed my complex, and I now know I deserve what I have to give.
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