The Only Way to Stop Reacting to Abuse
My biggest regret in life is not walking away from my parents for good when I was age sixteen (16). That was the time I put all of my clothing in trash bags to bring with me as I ran away to a friend’s house over a long holiday weekend. I logically knew I couldn’t expect to stay at my friend’s for longer than that. So I went back home instead of thinking of other alternatives.
My second biggest regret is not walking away for good from each of my siblings as soon as they each started doing what my parents did.
Physiological abuse is difficult to prove. But the impact of it requires decades of undoing the damage because the damage happens in the deepest form: believing oneself as unworthy to exist. And then there are many self-destructive beliefs built upon that one belief. How can the one who is singled out by a gang of abusers prove this sort of thing?
Here are psychological-abuse tactics used in my family-of-origin (defined at the end of this essay):
Stonewalling
Gaslighting
Triangulation
Smear campaigning
Recruiting, and ganging up on with, Flying Monkeys
Scapegoating
This interview is with someone who had a similar experience to mine and describes the essence of it very succinctly; the interviewer Dr. Rosenberg is very knowledgeable on the topic.
I stayed in the relationships with my family-of-origin because I loved them and so badly wanted to be close to them.
I stayed because I believed them: that I was very moody and I had mental problems. I thought I was the problem. I was always trying to fix myself—trying to not be moody, trying to not have mental problems, and otherwise trying to be someone who deserved to live.
I also stayed because I didn't want to be ripped away from my roots and be totally alone in life. For decades of my life, I chose to have “my” people and to be abused by them, rather than to be totally alone in life.
I tried to be who they wanted me to be, but I never could.
I tried to not be hurt by their abuse, but I never could.
I would initiate discussions—anything just to get things on the table to look at, however clumsy I was in doing so (as to be expected when raised to believe I had mental problems and was unworthy). But I was always shot down, gaslit and stonewalled. No one would discuss what was going on--the only discussion was that everything was my fault and something was seriously wrong with me.
I tried to stuff down my reactions to their abuse; but I always ended up crying, yelling, or otherwise getting angry and upset.
My upset with their abuse only gave my relatives more data and fuel to smear me My relatives would use my reactions as proof of how horrible of a person I am. It was them against me. Always. I don’t know of one single instance where any one of them stood up for me. I was their scapegoat.
It was a cycle that will never end with people who will always be psychologically abusive.
My third biggest regret is reacting to these people. There would have been no reactions if I would have walked away from the abusive relationships in the first place--that is the only realistic way to have ended my being reactive.
I'm not bitter about their abuse because only horribly-damaged people would single out one person, and join forces to destroy him/her and his/her very concept of himself/herself.
Thankfully, now I am able to recognize people like this very quickly.
Additionally, I'm able to recognize people who don't seem to grasp the concept of loyalty and emotional protection of loved ones. While I don't have ill feelings for such people, I know to keep them at acquaintance level and focus on my being of service to them, rather than my trying to get their emotional support and protection which I, myself, need in relationships.
I have finally seen that I'm a very delicate person. God made me that way. (That's why my relatives were ultra damaging to me). In having this awareness, I know better how to care for myself. In knowing and appreciating this about myself, I validate the choices I make which respect my being delicate. As a result, I’m able to lower my protective-exterior facade, have humility, and trust myself that I no longer will expose myself to hurtful and abusive situations (my doing so before was due to my thinking something is wrong with me for feeling hurt, and for thinking I need to be fixed).
While I am a very delicate person, I also am one of the strongest people I know in my willingness to stand alone in my convictions, integrity, and self-respect. Herein lies the gift of the abuse. To be delicate yet forced to be fearfully alone, plus being abused by the closest people to me, I was highly-motivated to ultimately learn that it is safe for me to be delicate and alone because Life and God will always take care of me.
I see that I need someone in my life who makes me secure and trusting with their strong morals, ethics, values, and needs. As such, they would have the capacity and desire to be close and connected, to understand and relate to me, to validate me, to protect me, and to always have my back—the very gifts I have always desired to give people who I love. I would not be able meet such a person without my first learning all that I have about myself, validating who I am, and experiencing and acknowledging Life’s and God’s protection of me.
Be aware of your emotional needs and core values. Honor them, honor yourself, and honor your life. This includes having the dignity and self-respect to walk away from any form of abuse.
“1: psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator
“Gaslighting can be a very effective tool for the abuser to control an individual. It's done slowly so the victim writes off the event as a one off or oddity and doesn't realize they are being controlled and manipulated.
“2: the act or practice of grossly misleading someone especially for one's own advantage.”
Triangulation is when a toxic or manipulative person, often a person with strong narcissistic traits, brings a third person into their relationship in order to remain in control. There will be limited or no communication between the two triangulated individuals except through the manipulator. It may appear in different forms, but all are about divide and conquer, or playing people against each other.
“Stonewalling is a refusal to communicate or cooperate. Such behaviour occurs in situations such as marriage guidance counseling, diplomatic negotiations, politics and legal cases. Body language may indicate and reinforce this by avoiding contact and engagement with the other party. People use deflection in a conversation in order to render a conversation pointless and insignificant. Tactics in stonewalling include giving sparse, vague responses, refusing to answer questions, or responding to questions with additional questions. Stonewalling can be used as a stalling tactic rather than an avoidance tactic.”
“A narcissistic smear campaign is used to discredit another person by hijacking the narrative of a relationship after it has ended. A narcissist will spread lies or create embellishments about their victim in order to destroy the individual’s reputation. This is a common behavior for those with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) when they realize they have lost control over this other person.”
“Flying Monkey is a popular psychology term that refers to an enabler of a highly narcissistic person or someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). A flying monkey is an agent who acts on their behalf.”
Scapegoat
“1. a person who is blamed for the wrongdoings, mistakes, or faults of others, especially for reasons of expediency.
2. (in the Bible) a goat sent into the wilderness after the Jewish chief priest had symbolically laid the sins of the people upon it (Lev. 16).”
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