Conscientiousness vs. Niceness
Conscientiousness
My use of the term conscientiousness is related to fostering dignity; privacy and respect in terms of sovereign with one’s individual body, space and property; having natural law rights. Additionally to not harm another person, to not play mind games (including gaslighting, tricking, conning, etc.), and to help people who are being harmed by another out of basic human respect (i.e. don’t do nothing as someone is being harmed in public and/or needs emergency services to be called).
Conscientiousness has nothing to do with being friendly, warm, chit-chatty, etc. For me, conscientiousness usually means a person is honest, forthright, considerate of the truth, transparency and others having full disclosures and clarity in order to allow for understanding prior to making decisions and to know what is going on.
Definition:
Commitment to accuracy, responsibility, follow-through, and structural integrity over time.
Core traits:
Keeps agreements even when inconvenient
Notices inconsistencies and addresses them
Thinks in consequences, not just intentions
Aligns words, choices, and impact
Will tolerate discomfort to preserve truth or fairness
Orientation:
Reality-aligned. Task-aligned. Integrity-aligned.
Failure mode:
Can come across as blunt, rigid, or unaccommodating.
Niceness, on the other hand, tends to be focused on tone of voice, facial expressions, and seemingly helpful acts. A lot of times nice people are people-pleasers.
Truth, transparency, forthrightness, and honesty usually don’t work very well with niceness.
Definition:
Behavior aimed at being pleasant, agreeable, or emotionally soothing in the moment.
Core traits:
Avoids conflict or tension
Uses politeness as a social lubricant
Prioritizes harmony and approval
Softens language to prevent upset
May prioritize feelings over facts
Orientation:
Social comfort–aligned. Affect-aligned. Image-aligned.
I have known many nice-seeming people. But they also felt justified in lying, hiding, sneaking, tricking, being avoidant and dismissive, keeping people in the dark, disloyalty—all of which do not fit into conscientiousness at all. To me, these behaviors can easily head towards forms of psychological abuse. Some of the nicest people I have known were also the creepiest people I have known.
I, myself, am disinterested in niceness. I want truth and transparency. I don’t want someone to fake it with me. I don’t like when people aren’t clear and honest about what they want, don’t want, need and don’t need. I’m also not interested in people who need to get everyone to like them, believe their facades, hide behind masks and avoid accountability.
I used to feel like I was seriously flawed because of my being serious, genuine, and conscientious. Now I know why people criticized me for how I am: their comfort zone was in pretending and hiding; they wanted me to get with the program too.
Do you need to talk to another person who doesn’t play games or wear masks? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.