First Level Criteria: Do You Value Me?

Where my emotional and trauma-healing has led me to recently is the deep realization that I don't have to convince anyone of my value. I was programmed at a young age that it is my job to do so.

Especially powerful in my desire to convince someone of my value is when I, myself, choose to love someone—starting with my mother and ending with my last relationship.

I now recognize what I have known within me for a long time: it will be obvious, undeniable, when someone highly values me and who I am. (I can always tell by how they orientate their lives, their transparency, truth telling, inclusion of me, their choices, preferences, priorities, interests, boundaries, focus, attention, attunement, relating, investments, and desire for growth and repair.)

When someone highly-values me, I won't have to do anything, either, except to be who I am . I.e. I won’t have to justify and explain who I am; I won’t have to teach or re-parent the person; I won’t have to carry the other person’s crap; I won’t have to do the other person’s thinking, processing and emotional work, etc.

I appreciate that in my last relationship, I had this in my face so powerfully. It's obvious and unbelievable to me now how hard I have fought against the idea that it is not my responsibility to try to get someone I love to be loyal, trustworthy, honest, clear, faithful, protective, exclusive, sincere, share in mutual prioritization, coherent, recipiricating investment, etc.

This is probably because, deep down, I have always doubted there is anyone who would value me--thanks to early programming, the people I chose to love, and also how our society is.

It's like this: since the people I loved didn't even value me, it seemed that I must be so undesirable to my loved ones that it was my problem and responsibility to make it easier for them to see my value.

Finally, I am believing that there are people like me out there and they are looking for someone just like me.

With this emotional work I've done, I now see most of the people I loved (or even just liked) in a different light.

I see what they have chosen to be and to do; and I see how none of them were even close to valuing who I am and what I brought to their lives. I went through tremendous emotional torture and pain in these relationships due to their lack of valuing me and my relentlessness endurance of it (sadly, believing my investment and all my efforts would show them my value).

I see it crystal clear now. Seeing their choices would have been enough for me to make solid decisions years ago to walk away--had I healed this portion of my trauma before.

But I know now.

I’m not interested in anyone who doesn’t know and appreciate my value—to the point where I have no doubt. This is my very first level of criteria before I will invest in someone and a relationship.

I can hardly believe I haven’t been following this criteria my entire life! But it’s very freeing to finally allow myself to use this criteria.

Do you need to talk with someone who is Pro truth, Pro reality, Realist, Genuine, Sincere? I’d love speak with you.