Not Capacity. Values + Repeated Choices

I have the ability to see what people are capable of, their potential—and my ability to see trauma but also what is underneath trauma and dysfunction. I even can figure out what they would need for healing—including my using my natural abilities and drive to help them. My massive life struggle has been banking on these things.

Along with those abilities has also been my ability to notice patterns and choices—even the most subtle ones. So it’s not like i have ever been ignorant or oblivious. I see a lot more than most people. But yet, that wouldn’t stop me because of what else I saw, above.

It’s been really troubling and confusing for me, my whole life, to deal with all of my relationships since childhood. If I had the words for it during those times, I could have said on repeat: “But…But I know I saw you correctly. I know what you’re capable of! Why aren’t you doing it?”

I have broken my own heart over choosing to invest in the wrong people because of this.

Now, I finally see clearly: capacity has nothing on someone’s values and priorities (shown not by their words and promises, but shown instead only by their repeated choices and patterns).

It still breaks my heart to look back at the ones I loved and see they just have never cared about what I’ve always cared about: deep closeness, relational protection, ethics and truth.

And to know it’s not that they aren’t capable of these things. They just don’t want them. Not just with me, but with anyone.

I resisted the common quote: “People show you who they are. Believe them.” Every single person has showed me who they are. I just didn’t want to believe it because of my seeing their capacity—mixed with my abilities and willingness.

I will only go by and honor my observance of someone’s values and repeated choices and patterns now.

Do you need help honoring what you need? I’d love speak with you. Pro truth. Pro reality. Realist. Genuine. Sincere.