Oh Mama

Oh, mama.

I know you never loved me.

I know I was a mirror you didn’t want to look into.

You didn’t want to see the pain you were capable of causing

By looking in my eyes.

You taught me that my younger sister deserved coddling, adoration, affection, and idealization.

But that those things simply weren’t meant for me.

And I didn’t doubt it. I knew it to be true—it was a given. Not something I questioned.

You taught me my sense of reality was off,

What I saw was wrong,

I was wrong.

You taught me I was crazy for having feelings, for having my perspective, for having needs, for being hurt—

Even though I only remember stuffing it down and staying quiet and compliant.

If I dared to express my concerns,

You erased me

Until I apologized for being me.

You rallied people to agree with you

Against me.

I wanted nothing more than to be good enough for you.

Oh mama.

It must be painful to be you.

It must hurt to hide in the shadows

While you act up in the spotlight.

People actually believe your lies and your goofy performances.

Good for you. Apparently that is what you need.

Otherwise you probably would crumble.

Oh mama.

You always seemed so strong, so sure, so confident.

So tough. So rebellious.

And so beautiful and funny.

But I see now

Exactly how weak you’ve always been.

Oh mama.

Don’t worry. I’m not destroyed.

Don’t worry. You are off the hook.

It turns out that the strength I saw in you

Was my own.

I thank you for the lessons.

If it weren’t for being your scapegoat, your whipping boy,

Within whom you installed the fear of life

For decades,

I wouldn’t be where I am now:

Strong and tenderly

Appreciating and holding sacred and precious

The very things in me you tried so hard to destroy.

I pray God will stay with you.

That’s the most I could ever ask for you

Because everything else isn’t my business.

I’m so happy to be free of you.

Mama.

Godspeed.

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