Sacred, Precious Partnership

I've never been one to fake who I am. But I have been willing to fix myself my whole life. In adulthood, I haven't looked to others for my worthiness per se; rather, for my relevancy to them and to this life. (If a person doesn't value you, they are going to treat you as such. And I haven't wanted to do life alone, so I've needed to try be relevant to someone)

I've been hypervigilant in preparing for danger--mostly from family-or-origin and others I've loved (they are emotionally, and sometimes physically, dangerous people--especially to someone like me: their scapegoat, the empath, and someone who is wired for depth, growth, connection, being deeply known, and deeply knowing another, collaboration, transparency, relating, loyalty, devotion, conscientiousness, ethics, responsibility, accountability and truth). My hypervigilance for knowing what’s going on at all times for my safety, mixed with searching for deep relating and connection, caused me to be with and focus on people and situations with which I didn’t even want to be.

What I'm doing now is embracing my loner self I've always wanted to be. I've always been a loner who only wanted to allow into my space those with whom share my depth and desire for closeness, truth, protection, relating, collaboration and sacred ethical partnership. So finally I'm doing that: sacred bubble.

I'm also learning to be here for myself: creating a sacred, ethical partnership with myself. This means I'm not trying to fix myself. I stay with my panic but don't identify as my panic. I keep people out of my energetic, spiritual space—including what I listen to, read, look at, and am around..

Being here for myself means, I don't feel responsible for strangers', customers', acquaintances' emotional dysregulation (just because I can feel it, just because I know they need me to be warm with them for their unmet needs). I am giving myself permission to not make eye contact, not smile, not be warm if I don't feel like it. I'm giving myself permission to not create any more "like-minded" groups (which never turn out to attract my kind of people), to not try to figure out how to enjoy "meeting people where they are at" when i don't care about it, to get people to relate to and understand me, to explain and justify who I am and what I want and what I have to give.

Because of all of this, I'm actually wanting and needing to be invisible. But this time, instead of my being exiled and punished, it's from a place of self-care and holding myself sacred and precious. Giving myself permission to be invisible is such a massive relief! I will only be in a relationship with someone who also holds me sacred and precious, and I would with and for them.

I'm gradually shifting my jobs away from customer service and dealing with coworkers to being able to work alone (and/or minimal micro managing and customers). Even with my life coaching, no longer am I interested in trying to attract clients. My kind of clients who find my work relevant to their needs and experiences will find me.

Me at last. For the first time in my life I give myself permission to be fully be myself and have the standards I want to have. Even if everyone can’t understand and relate to me, thinks I’m mental, hates me, wants to destroy me, ridicules me, trash talks me,. Even if I'm alone (without partnership) the rest of my life.

I do hope the panic ends, for my health. But even if it doesn't, I won't leave myself. And Jesus will never leave me nor forsake me.

Do you need support in holding yourself, your time, attention and space ethically precious and sacred? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.