Red Flag: What I Offer Relationship Isn’t Valued or Reciprocated

It’s taken me a really long time to come up with a concise list of what I bring to relationship. It’s just how I’ve always been wired, and I assumed anyone I invested in was wired and desired the same (but also that it was my job to access that part of them under the dysfunction). Also, I never hear others talking about these traits. So it was confusing and challenging to bring it to the forefront and develop language for it.

In my last partnership, I’ve figured out that my Ex was essentially looking to me to simply be a consistent companion “dog” who initiated greeting my Ex all the time with affection and blind-loyalty. And by blind, I mean to go along with my Ex’s false narratives of who my Ex wanted to pretend to be. (This, I’ve realized is also what was expected of me by my mother, at least one sibling, and another Ex-and probably many others too. Heck, even my Ex’s family is structured this way—as are many families it seems. “Don’t tell the truth” seems to be the unspoken rule.) How disturbing.

I’ve realized my Ex, and all the others I invested in (besides my adult children), didn’t give one iota of care about what I actually offer relationship!

None of them cared or care about my ability, desire and need to give and create

• strong relationship structure

• coherence over time

• sincerity

• allyship

• exclusivity

• protection of them, the relationship, my integrity

• full access, truth and transparency

• being considered and aligned with at all times

• relational repair and co-growth

• consistent investment

• accountability to one another

I fully realized this very recently. It has really shocked me and my system: to know who I was really dealing with my entire life, at different times, and especially my last partnership.

How could it be? These people really didn’t and don’t value these things? What the heck is wrong with them?! What the heck was wrong with me that I thought they did when they continuously hurt and betrayed me?

Absolutely all of the hurtful and painful things they did should have showed me that they didn’t value any of the above relationship traits.

My Ex would demand of me many times (in so many words) to perform, song and dance, like a companion dog—to just become the good things I claimed I had in me to bring to relationship.

I see now that I was bringing those things to the relationship. They just weren’t valued. Nor were they reciprocated. Unfortunately, I carried a lot of shame for decades thinking something was wrong with me because of how these people were with me and in our relationships—I kept trying to fix things. There was nothing to fix; just for me to leave them.

The reciprocation of these relational traits is what would create safety for me. Once safe, much like a mother giving birth, I could safety allow my affection to pour out of me—knowing I, my love, my dignity, the truth, the relationship and the other person’s integrity were highly valued and protected within the structure of our relationship.

It’s the combination of my above relational abilities, my need to give and receive those things, my intuition and attunement and relating, and the deep amount of love I have for the other, which makes me like a turtle without a shell in this crazy world and amongst so many dissociative and shallow people and situations.

My Ex thought it was okay to continue to betray me and at the same time, to demand of me my total and complete affection—much like an unsafe person demanding a woman give birth. It is physiologically impossible. But not only that, it’s disgusting, cruel and malicious.

Thank God I have wrapped my head around all of this. My confusion and my dedication allowed jerks to gaslight and smear me. Now I get it. Most people don’t value what I do and what I give. No more pearls before swine.

…

Details of What I Offer Relationship

I offer a relationship that is structured, protected, and real. Meaning it is built on consistent behavior, not just words or moments.

I operate with structure, not just intention

For me, a relationship is defined by what is consistently done and upheld over time.

• I show up consistently

• I initiate and follow through

• I don’t rely on feelings or moments: I maintain the bond through my actions and choices

I operate with coherence (words = actions over time)

• What I say matches what I do

• My values show up in my behavior

• I don’t create mixed signals or double meanings

• There is no gap between how I present and how I operate

I operate with sincerity

• I mean what I say.

• I don’t perform or manipulate emotions.

• I don’t simulate closeness

• I don’t feel or make promises I won’t keep.

Sincerity is the authentic intent behind every word and action.

I provide real allyship

I have your back in public and private

• I do not gossip, undermine, or allow others to,

• I treat the relationship as something that must be actively protected

This isn’t occasional; it’s how I operate at all times.

I treat the relationship as non-optional

• I don’t drift in and out

• I don’t keep my options open

• I don’t treat closeness as casual

I lock in and build something stable over time.

I maintain clear boundaries that protect the relationship

• I limit access from others—especially when it threatens the bond or when it makes my person uncomfortable for any reason

• I don’t entertain situations that erode trust or exclusivity

• I enforce boundaries through behavior, not just words

I offer full access and transparency

• I let you into my life and inner world

• I don’t compartmentalize or keep hidden areas

• You know where you stand with me

I align my decisions with the relationship

• I consider you in how I act and what I choose

• I don’t make independent decisions that disregard the bond

• The relationship is factored into my life, not added on afterward

I handle conflict directly and adjust

• I don’t avoid, deflect, or distort

• I address issues clearly

• I take responsibility and make real changes when needed

I invest consistently, not conditionally

• My time, attention, and care are steady

• I don’t fluctuate based on mood or convenience

• The relationship is something I maintain, not just experience

I don’t create illusions

• I don’t say things I don’t mean

• I don’t perform closeness

• I don’t rely on emotional intensity to define the relationship

What exists is backed by real structure and behavior.

What this means

For me, a relationship is not defined by

• how much time we spend together

• how strong something feels

• what we say to each other

It is defined by consistent behavior, protected boundaries, mutual consideration, and real accountability over time

I offer a relationship that is not just felt; it is built, protected, and proven through consistent action.

Do need to talk with someone who is Pro truth, Pro reality, Realist, Genuine, Sincere? I’d love speak with you.