Why Isn’t it Worth It?

All I’ve ever wanted is someone who is through-and-through on my side. Someone who really gets me. Someone who thinks I make so much sense. Someone who thinks that who I am is exactly a match and complimentary. Someone who wants to meet me, do life with me, on a deep and relating and truthful and transparent level. Two-peas-in-a-pod. Someone who says, “There you are. I’ve been looking for you.” And then behaves accordingly…via protecting the relationship, me, and boundaries elsewhere.

When I meet such a person, I will say right back, “There you are. I’ve been looking for you my entire life.”

I have loved people before, of course—starting with my parents. I wonder why none of them ever thought we were worth more than any scrap or crumb or shiny object or novelty. Worth more than fitting into trends and superficial groups. Worth more than looking “good” to other people. Worth more than distractions.

I don’t get it. Why isn’t having a best friend, an ally, an advocate worth everything? Why isn’t protecting who and what one loves worth everything?

I don’t understand giving up everything for a lot of not-much. I don’t understand being willing to keep me around, but yet compartmentalizing secrets and novelty chasing.

How many times did I say to myself, “I’m right here” in disbelief? It took me five decades to have the courage to finally say that to myself about someone who I loved. It was to the one who I loved the most.

Ah well. I don’t have to know why. I don’t have to understand. I understand enough now, though, to know that just because I love and invest in someone, it doesn’t mean that person also values what is precious and sacred.

It’s sad. But it’s not my problem anymore. I won’t choose wrong again.

Do need to talk with someone who is Pro truth, Pro reality, Realist, Genuine, Sincere? I’d love speak with you.