What Affects Ability to Love Deeply
I believe that there are different degrees of love. In general, love is care and concern for someone. Care and concern can be expressed in many different ways, of course. The Five Love Languages point to five different ways to show love; but we’re not limited to those ways. For example, gift giving is one of the love languages discussed in the book The Five Love Languages. While gift-giving is a nice gesture, it doesn’t touch on loyalty, devotion, dedication, protection, trustworthiness, or understanding the other person. Or we can love a relative or friend who we rarely see or talk to. We can love someone with whom we have very little involvement.
This is what I mean by different degrees of love.
When I think of loving someone deeply, I think it terms of having a relationship with a foxhole buddy, someone whom you know from the inside-out, vice versa, and sharing level five engagement with this person. A deeply loving relationship means having one person on the planet who really understands and relates to who you are and how you live.
As someone who has had issues with trying to get blood out of a turnip (choosing and honing in on individuals who I love but who just did not want to, would not, or could not deeply love me back), I like to share my hindsight discoveries. This should be common sense, but wishful thinking and seeing potential can really muck things up in our minds.
Here are things to look out for which can affect one’s ability to love deeply. It’s important to realize these warning signs if you have the desire to love someone deeply and to receive the same in return:
lack of self-knowledge, self-reflection (knowing oneself and being honest with oneself)
lack of desire to learn and grow
disinterested in acknowledging mistakes
disinterested in wanting to change to be and live healthier and with integrity
inability to relate and understand
being impressed, enthralled, distracted, and infatuated by superficial things, people, interactions
everyone is interchangeable—besides the extent of predictable easy attention, pleasure and entertainment
needing to superficially belong
conformity, chameleon behavior
prioritizing being liked by everyone
needing a buffet of interactions and people all to oneself
always on the look-out for options elsewhere (people, relationships, stimuli, entertainment)
disinterested in devotion and making the most important the most important
insatiable need for attention and superficial pleasure
self-absorption (many times comes in the form of addictions)
impulsivity
not having strong preferences and values
unconcerned about being principled and having strong morals
compartmentalizing one’s life
dishonesty
secrecy and hiding
lack of transparency
disinterested in being deeply known
difficult to get to know, figure out and read
disinterested in sharing information
maladaptive daydreaming and seeming zoned out
Expecting such a person to deeply love you is trying to get blood out of a turnip. Doing so brings hurt. If you’re already with such a person, adjust the type of love you have and expect from such a person.
Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.