When Love Isn’t Enough
Even after leaving or being left, it can be really difficult to emotionally and mentally let go of unhealthy and toxic relationships.
Usually there are really good aspects in these relationships, which make them difficult to leave and to have to go without those aspects in our lives.
The mix of good relationship aspects which we don’t want to do without, plus unhealthy relationship traits, can create cognitive dissonance and ruminating—which keep our thoughts and feelings in a loop of which is extremely difficult to get out.
We might question our judgement and decisions for leaving. We might think there has to be something else we can do to make the relationship work. We might get upset with the other person for not changing. We might even go back to the relationship several times.
But as the proverb goes,
A pot of milk is ruined by a drop of poison.
What I’ve found helpful is to take a hard look at our values, ethics, morals and needs. Likely the relationship was unhealthy because we were compromising in one or more of these very-important areas which are, at least in large part, what define who a person is. And, hopefully, these areas help us to choose the right people in our lives.
Recognize that compromising in those areas is the drop of poison in the relationship. Further, recognize how we chose to start, proceed with, and stay in the relationship anyway.
Take accountability for this.
Decide where to hold the other person accountable—even if he/she never will accept accountability. This helps to properly organize our thoughts and understanding.
Here’s an example:
It is my fault for
being in a relationship with someone who is mysterious, secretive, lies, hides, and compartmentalizes.
being in a relationship with someone who censored and lied about who s/he is, what he/she does, and what and who he/she is interested in--in order to get me to like him/her.
being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want me to, and is not highly-motivated for me to, deeply know him/her.
being in a relationship with someone whose actions and choices don’t match his/her words.
being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t know why he/she does what he/she (usually impulsively) does.
for thinking he/she would change these things because of my influence and from my teaching him/her.
for thinking that his/her love-bombing phrases he/she told me meant he/she was driven to have good morals and values to match up with the amazing feelings he/she said he/she felt for me.
for getting into, and staying in, a relationship with him/her even though I saw all of the above red flags and deal-breakers numerous times.
for being upset with, and hurt by, this person even though I saw all of the above and therefore had no business being in the relationship in the first place.
It is the other person’s fault
for lying, hiding and tricking me.
for not giving me the full-disclosure, and on-going transparency, about who he/she is, what he/she does, who and what he/she is interested in, and what he/she wants.
for not recognizing that since he/she thought I would be upset about his/her choices or wouldn’t like hidden things about him/her, he/she should not have gotten in a relationship with me.
for complaining about, ridiculing and smearing me to others; yet, claiming to me, his/her total acceptance of me and love for everything about me.
for thinking he/she could do the above, yet still have a close, connected, loving relationship with me.
After doing this exercise, it might be very apparent that love isn’t enough to make a relationship work. It might just be the reality check we need to stop questioning and compromising ourselves, and to finally let it go.
Note: By love not "being enough," I mean "Sometimes, we simply can’t love someone enough to get him/her to treat us the way we want to be treated, to want the same kind of relationship we do, to be honest about the kind of relationship he/she wants, to know who he/she is, to live from the same strong value system, to be principled, and to make respectful choices and have respectful interests."
Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.