Dealing with People
Preface: I’m not socially-awkward, I’m a good conversationalist, I’m really solid in my convictions, and I independently stand strong with integrity. I want to say this before it’s assumed that I just am awkward and don’t understand people—quite the opposite.
Some people, for example at work, seem to think they are "helping" me by telling me jokes and small-talking with me or otherwise cornering me into having to give some sort of response to things I don't care about and are irrelevant to the tasks at hand (it's exhausting and dreadful for me).
Side note: This reminds me of when I was in boot camp for the military and had to speak with a “snake pit” of drill sergeants. One of them cracked a joke to me which didn’t appeal to me in the least (dreadful). But because I didn’t want to get yelled at even more, I faked a smile. And then I proceeded to get yelled at for smiling. Of course.
This is exactly what it feels like for me in superficial interactions, chit-chatting and small talk! If I must, I quickly respond so the person will get away from me and move on to someone who is more like them.
Some people think they are "helping" me by giving me generic advice, “emotional support,” or by playing devil’s advocate from a place of not knowing, relating to, or resonating with me--so their advice is irrelevant to me and only makes me feel more alone and like I'm living in The Truman Show.
Some people think they are “helping” me by doing things “for me” (things which I never wanted or asked for) and then turning it into a transaction where I now owe them something which I never agreed to owe. They then hold over my head what they did “for me” as well as what they think I owe them (I was married to one of these).
Some people seem to need my "help" by expecting superficial responses and reactions which they seem to need and crave (i.e. their subconsciously needing me to help them emotionally regulate and/or to play along with their performances).
Very few people want the type of help I love to provide and am really good at which makes me feel more alone and irrelevant here. But what I have to give, I could give endlessly because it is who I am.
Asking questions to see where the person is coming from is the key for me, so I'm not offering feedback and input that is irrelevant to the person and perspective that is not even wanted. And if my perspective isn't wanted, at least the person (if he/she answers my questions) gets to hear himself/herself and perhaps for the first time, starts to get to know himself/herself.
I rely on my intuition and awareness to know if the person is just
needing an audience
needing attention (“Look at me, mommy!”)
liking the sound of his/her own voice
coming from a place of performance and entertainment in interactions
including playing roles such as the nice person, good person, the helpless person, the innocent person, the hero, the saint, the meek person, the sacrificing person, the fun person, the funny person, the do-er, the easy-going person, the evolved and enlightened person, the helpful person, the charming person, the cool or popular person, etc.
needing praise and approval for superficial things
getting emotionally-regulated from voices, tones, facial expressions and appearances
pretending to belong or fit in with others and in the environment, in the moment
I have had to come to terms with the fact that most people fall in these above categories and aren’t looking for deep connection, ethical shared reality, being their best with integrity, or investing in meaning and truth-at-all-costs.
Had I known this about people in general since I was very young, I would have saved myself so much heartache and the efforts of carrying the emotional and mental load of relationships by myself.
When it comes to providing information about things that matter, most people don't want to know. When it comes to aiming for growth and healing, most people don’t care.
So, most of my help is behind-the-scenes where I fix problems before people know they exist, I trouble-shoot issues and make things better--without anyone knowing, let alone acknowledging, it. I like it that way because...
If I'm not relevant to someone and we are not on the same page in depth/ethics/values/morals principles/needs/goals
so we can work together from a deep meaningful and truthful place,
I'd rather fly below the radar.
Do you need support in getting to know yourself? Do you need to talk to someone who is also Pro truth, Pro reality, a Realist, Genuine, Sincere.? Please contact me. I’d love to dig with you.