I Knew What Was Up in Kindergarten

Thankfully, my mother was a stay-at-home mom and homemaker. Even though she didn’t like me and I was her scapegoat, at least I got to be home much of the time with my family-of-origin…when I wasn’t in school, that is.

When I went to kindergarten, it was just half of a day long. Now some children are trapped in school from 6:30 a.m. through 6:00 p.m. (I don’t blame the cost-of-living for this. There is always another way and people can find it if they choose to.)

I cried the entire first week of kindergarten. I did not want to be in an institution. I wanted to be home. I didn’t want to be around all those people, I wanted to be with my family and a select friend or two. I didn’t want to jump through their hoops, I wanted to do what fed me and my spirit and my ethics and integrity. I didn’t want to do their contrived activities.

I didn’t want to pretend all this was normal, yet I was forced into it. As a result, I was forced into thinking something was wrong with me.

As a child, it much easier to work on fixing myself than to be the only one declaring the Emperor has no clothes and being harassed for it.

From my parents telling me I had mental problems and was “moody” to otherwise being gaslit and ganged up on, I spent a good part of my life trying to fix myself and fix relationships in attempts to create some form of shared reality so I could finally rest, sink in and safely tell the truth, my perspectives, and stand on ethics, standards and morals—which, to me, is the only way to have a true ally and advocate in life…the only way to be relevant, co-process and co-create with another.

While I didn’t have the language for all this as a child, let alone up until recently, my nervous system always knew. Yet, I spent decades trying to figure out what information I was missing in order to be fine and safe.

To my toddler self and beyond, I would say that most people are fine with pretending. Hunker down, stay true to what you know in your soul and spirit and don’t leak energy. One day, your intuition and awareness will bring the right person or people into your life.

Do you need support in getting to know yourself? Do you need to talk to someone who is also Pro truth, Pro reality, a Realist, Genuine, Sincere.? Please contact me. I’d love to dig with you.