My Biggest Mistake

I’ve recently discovered my biggest mistake at the root of the pain in almost all of my relationships:

I have believed that the people I’ve been interested in, for one reason or another, are like me—even if it’s hidden deep down:

That is, someone with depth, patience, insight, devotion, passionate about healing to the core, transparent, honest, a truth-seeker, unstoppable in learning and growing, desire to be known by and to know loved ones, believer in truth, morals, ethics, values, principles, relating and collaboration.

I have fried my butt so badly with that one innocent, naive belief!

All it would take is for me to see just a hint of potential in the people who interested me (I did this since early childhood, starting with my own parents). Even more so, and especially, if the person seemed to have availability, space in his/her life with minimal ties, and a willingness to frequently be near and communicate with me.

I held on so tightly to the belief that they were like me…no matter what I experienced with, and witnessed in, them. Yikes. I think it’s because what I want is so rare, I had to settle for potential if I wanted to have consistent people in my life; I especially needed to cling to potential for survival as a young child.

Because they (starting with my parents in childhood) did not treat me, and behave, like they were similar to me, I also created the belief that it was my responsibility to unlock and access them on a deep level. If anyone had the resilience, drive and ability to do this, it is me. I developed many different ways to attempt to reach these people (and I had to figure out how to do this very carefully, unique to each person, in ways so they each wouldn’t try to destroy me in the meantime—as was frequently the case with most of these people). Once I could do that, then we could relate, connect, be close and collaborate together in a sacred, mutual, protective and safe relationship.

Now I see that I was actually wrong. Most people are in fact not like me at all.

Interestingly, those I’ve been involved with who seemed the most available, without other ties, and were willing to be with and have contact with me almost as much as I wanted… were actually some of the most unavailable and slippery people I’ve ever seen. It was an optical illusion: their lives were actually quite full and withheld from me — because they lived in a virtual reality world, a sort of one-man show, where they simply absorbed others’ experiences and energy without their ever really showing up beyond gaining secret pleasures they devoured alone.

Now I also see that it, in fact, is not my responsibility to access anyone on a deep level.

I no longer have to teach, explain, justify, correct my way into accessing a person’s potential.

Now I know to only allow in my space people with whom I can hit the ground running and who will meet me on a deep level on their own accord and desire. Anything less just isn’t my problem or concern and is unwelcome in my space and life.

I’ve had to, in a sense, forgive myself for chasing unattainable, shallow, and dissociative people for my entire life—which created my own emotional and psychological hell. But I also have self-compassion because I truly was naive about this. I’ve also had to not beat myself up for this naivety since I’m usually a very aware, awake person. I have to forgive myself for not knowing “everything.”

Do you need help seeing what beliefs you hold that are contrary to who you are and what you need? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.