Relationship Musts

I’m flabbergasted that what I have always thought was a given in relationships, is not. I approached all of my relationships and potential relationships as if it truly was a given.

Even my last relationship, I thought that of course my partner was these ways and wanted these things with me.

Nope.

Not in the least.

Frankly, I’m disgusted by this. I gave my all to that relationship. That person meant everything to me. Yet, that person let me give my all, knowing full-well I wasn’t going to be reciprocated. And I was gas-lit and threatened on an on-going basis for questioning the contradictions to what my Ex claimed to be and want (i.e. the same as me), with what my Ex actually was doing. And then later, I was mocked, ridiculed and character assassinated for having the expectations and relational needs that I have. When I said, “But I have been transparent about absolutely everything!” my Ex said, “I never asked you to be.”

And even later, my Ex finally admitted that we were different in how we see relationships; but the problem was mine for not understanding and compromising; and then further mocked me by saying, “Neither of us is wrong for how we do relationships.” What a joke.

The same goes for my relationships with my family-of-origin, since I was young. I was always made to be the bad guy, scapegoated, gas-lit, ganged up on, and character-assassinated.

I only tolerated all of these people and relationships because not only did I love and invest in them, but also, I thought they wanted the same things I did in relationships (my childhood trauma caused me to bare the fault of the relationships, rather than see I was with some pretty bad people).

It’s been so shocking to my system to realize it was all a lie. I have worked hours upon hours to come up with the language for how I operate and what I need in relationships because I now know it is so uncommon and rare! It’s been like trying to explain the color blue to a blind person. Crazy. I have literally spent too much time in my life trying to explain to unethical and moral-relativism people things like why cheating and lying are bad even if “everyone is doing it.” Absolutely absurd!

But, thank God, I finally have been able to summarize in clear words what my relationship musts are.

People like my Ex won’t be able to say “I am that!” or “I want that too!” like my Ex said many, many times to me whenever I would express what I was expecting in our relationship.

My Not-So-Common Relationship Musts

Shared reality

• We agree on and both live by

  • truth, honesty and transparency

  • wanting to be deeply known and known by the other

  • what is right and wrong

  • what’s appropriate and inappropriate

  • morals

  • ethics

  • axioms

  • principles

• We relate to and resonate with each other

  • Our perspectives and how we experience life, situations and relationships match up

    • at minimum, are complimentary and validating, rather than conflicting

    • we learn from each other to be even more aware and to have an even deeper and expansive knowing and healing

  • We share beliefs and concerns about what’s going on in society

  • We both are willing to stand alone and together for what we believe at all costs

Allyship and advocacy

• We stand for each other and the relationship with our lives—no matter who is and isn’t around

• We always make it known that we are together in a committed, sacred, loving, unpentatratable partnership

• Protection

  • We protect ourselves, each other and the relationship at all costs

  • We don’t give ourselves, interest, focus, attention, intimacy to others

• Third entity

  • Our relationship is me + other = 3rd entity

  • We operate and do life from this 3rd entity

  • In all choices, actions, thoughts, and words, we each consider

    • our own growth, healing, maturity and integrity

    • the other person

    • our relationship

  • We co-process life together

    • We give each other relevant, deep feedback, ideas and trouble-shooting

    • We think out loud with each other

  • We co-create our lives together

I won’t settle for any less than this. And it will be actually lived, not just B.S. fed to me by frauds and con-artists.

Do need to talk with someone who is Pro truth, Pro reality, Realist, Genuine, Sincere? I’d love speak with you.