What I Had Been Ignorant About
The main thing I had been ignorant about was how differently some people structure relationships and assign meaning to interactions. This has been especially concerning in my past relationships with family members, friends, partners and potential friends.
1. I assumed intimacy creates obligation
I assumed that when people
spend large amounts of time together
share personal stories
show affection
express emotional closeness
… that those experiences naturally create duty, loyalty, and protection.
For me, intimacy automatically moves a relationship into protected territory.
I did not realize that some people experience intimacy without converting it into relational responsibility.
2. I assumed others value depth the way I do
When someone resonated with me, confided in me, or engaged deeply in conversation, I assumed they valued
insight
sincerity
emotional honesty
relational depth
I did not realize that for many people those moments are simply interesting or comforting experiences, not indicators of long-term relational value.
3. I assumed people recognize rare relational value
I believed that if someone encountered a person who was
loyal
attentive
highly-aware and conscious
emotionally intelligent
relating and empathizing
protective
deeply invested
… they would naturally recognize that as rare, hold it near and dear, and protect it.
I did not realize that some people are oriented more toward
stimulation
attention
novelty
convenience
Those priorities can override recognition of deeper relational value.
4. I assumed words represented structural commitment
When someone said things like
“I love you”
“You’re the only one I want”
“I want a future with you”
… I, naturally, interpreted those statements as descriptions of a structural position in their life.
I did not realize that for some people those statements are simply expressions of feeling in the moment, not commitments that constrain later behavior.
5. I assumed adults operate from integrity
I expected adults to naturally evaluate themselves based on
coherence (their words, values, and actions aligning)
loyalty
relational integrity
duty to the relationship
I did not realize that many people evaluate themselves primarily through a different lens:
how they feel in the moment
whether they consciously “intended” harm
whether they are socially accepted
Those standards can allow behavior which are clear violations of integrity.
6. I assumed time spent together meant priority
If someone repeatedly chose to spend time with me and communicate with me, I interpreted that as evidence that the relationship was special or prioritized.
I did not realize that for some people time spent together simply means
I was available
I was enjoyable to be around
I was part of their routine
… It does not necessarily signal unique value or priority.
7. I assumed vulnerability meant trust and loyalty
When someone revealed their struggles or trauma to me, I assumed that meant
they trusted me deeply
they saw me as important in their life
I did not realize that many people share personal things not because they value the relationship, but because
it’s simply something to do in the moment
they want attention
they want emotional comfort and/or emotional regulation
they want stimulation or entertainment
they want an audience or to hear their own voices
they are bored and filling time
they are establishing or reinforcing a predictable supply of attention, etc.
The disclosure itself does not always create reciprocal loyalty, trust, responsibility, or relational investment.
The core realization
What I had not fully understood was this:
I assumed that when people participated in deep relational behaviors, they valued those behaviors the same way I did.
But now I know that people can engage in the same interactions and relationships I value deeply, and for them it’s just entertainment and/or supply.
Honestly, it crushes me that I was, not so long ago, deeply in love with someone who was the opposite of what I thought, want, give and value. I’m not ignorant about all this anymore though.
Do need to talk with someone who is Pro truth, Pro reality, Realist, Genuine, Sincere? I’d love speak with you.