Warning: When You See Their Trauma

It’s really difficult to love someone and to be willing to hold their hand, stay by their side, protect them, and help them heal from their trauma (I really don’t know many people who could and would help more than me)—but yet they don’t want it.

There are some people who I’ve loved and/or cared about who I could see clearly their trauma. I had compassion and knew I had what it takes to be the type of ally needed to heal.

For example, my Ex was and is emotionally-neglected in family-of-origin. All basic needs were provided for, plus acts of service—even now, the parents do acts of service. But my Ex learned to regulate alone at a very young age and figured out how to keep standards really low in order to eek out attention and to be seen by strangers. My Ex didn’t and doesn’t care if the attention comes from people having pity, or admiring, or even being shocked sometimes. As long as people notice my Ex.

I had so much affection and care to give. Yet, my Ex continued to chase stimulation and attention from scraps.

I could see through the dysfunction and copying mechanisms and knew how to help heal. But my Ex wasn’t interested in healing. After years of knowing Ex, I heard, “What’s the point? I heal, and then what?”

I explained, “Well, you will have conscious awareness of your choices. You won’t have much anxiety—and it certainly won’t come out of no where. You will know yourself. You will tell the truth. You will have standards and boundaries. You can quit your pacifier addictions. You’ll have dignity, integrity and self-respect.”

But to my Ex, I don’t think these were benefits. With all of that, then what about the endless buffet of superficial impulsive and secret pleasures? Why exposure oneself to loved ones when you can hide out, shape shift into a nice guy or a pitiful person or a desirable object at any time? Why protect oneself and your relationship when you can have a little bit of everyone at all times? Why have standards when you can hook up with people with simply a willingness and a glance, or a well-practiced and effective sob story?

What I have to give, all my love and adoration, felt like a waste with my Ex. When a buffet of superficial crumbs does it for Ex, what is the point of me? No point. With such low standards, with such lack of self-respect and dignity, my Ex truly couldn’t see me as anything more valuable or precious than another stimuli crumb.

It’s incredibly painful to love someone like this. I imagine it’s like loving a hard-drug addict. They only can see their drug and their high. You might as well be invisible because…well, you are.

I could clearly see the ship sinking with my Ex’s choices. Unfortunately, I have had to just let that ship sink.

I invested so much into my Ex and our relationship prior to recognizing that my Ex had no desire to heal. It took a very long time—and after my hearing so many lies and love-bombing and mirroring what I want in relationship—to fathom the truth:

My Ex has no desire to heal and, even worse, has no desire or need to be loved and cherished deeply.

Like so many other people. It’s absolutely shocking to me that someone who was neglected wouldn’t cherish being loved genuinely and deeply by someone who is compassionate, attuned, understanding and giving. But that’s how it is.

Now I know to only invest in people who are doing the emotional work. Who have integrity, values, morals, ethics, boundaries, standards, and are internally driven for growth and healing—even when no one else is around. There is no more: it’s just that they were deeply hurt, they just need time to trust and learn how to do a relationship. Nah. No thanks.

Do you need to talk with someone who is Pro truth, Pro reality, Realist, Genuine, Sincere? I’d love speak with you.