Ask, ‘Do I Even Like Them?’

When I love or am otherwise deeply interested in someone, it’s almost as if I imprint onto him/her—I line up myself, my efforts and investment, and feelings with him/her and the relationship.

I have been like this since early childhood—starting with my mother, and then my siblings and relatives. I have done a version of this with friends and later with partners.

Unfortunately, they were all the wrong people. While there were traits I liked about these people, and while most held the roles that seemed to represent what I wanted (“mother,” “sister,” “partner,” “family,” “best friend”), the relationships were not good. Some were downright harmful and exploitative.

Yet my imprinting, the fragments of traits I liked, and their “roles” in the relationships kept me holding on, trying and working on the relationships by myself.

What helped me let go of each one of these significant people, after lots and lots of emotional work, was asking myself this one simple question:

“Suppose this person were to stop actively wanting to harm me, would I like who he/she is?”

Would I want to invest my life energy into him/her? Across the board, the answer was “No.” No way.

Even if these people stopped actively wanting to cause harm to me and to my life, they would still

• be emotionally dishonest

• create confusion and chaos

• not have strong conscious, ethics, and principles

• lack integrity

• lack empathy

• have a sense of entitlement

• lack curiosity in knowing me and themselves

• lack mutual recognition and shared reality

• have a fake, disconnected inner world

  • live for performance and image/identities

    • simulation-based, hollow, self-absorbed and superficial

    • shape-shift

  • focus on emotional and/or sensual stimulation

  • withhold, exclude, erase, compartmentalize, lie

• refuse to learn and grow

• lack the ability to connect

No. I don’t like people like that. No matter how much I loved them, no matter how much I invested in them, no matter how much I believed in them and the relationship, no matter how alone in life I feel and no matter how afraid I have been.

I have learned that the problem was never just about their intentions (yes, it’s horrendous that people who I loved would actually want to cause harm to me). It was about their capacity and their integrity.

It’s about what they ARE, not just what they DO.

This took me a very long time to learn.

Because of my being deeply involved with these types of people I described my entire life, and because of my deep growth work, I am able to see many of these traits, in lesser degrees, in many people.

Because of how I imprint on someone I love, because I highly-value how much I have to give relationships, and because I know and honor what I need in relationship, I am now very, very careful who I allow in my energetic space and who I put effort into. Dignity.

Do you need support letting go of the wrong people? Or to even recognize toxicity in relationships? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.