The Shock: I Was Never Valued
The bit of trauma I’m still trying to heal from is my accepting that the people I loved never valued me or our relationships—starting with one or both of my parents and through my last partnership. Additionally, most people with whom I thought I shared close friendships never valued me or our friendship either.
There have been many people who I have chosen to keep my distance from and/or I don’t interpret the interactions to be anything beyond my customer-service type obligations of dealing with the public.
But there have also been situations where people have confided in me, sought me out for my empathy and input, welcomed my vulnerable sharing, spent a significant amount of time with me and in communication with me.
Only for me to discover that they ignored my existence when others were around and/or when I wasn’t around; they would completely disregard our discussions and time investment; some would completely change who they were based on who was around; some even gossiped about and trashed me with others.
I’ve learned that most of the people I’ve cared about (and many people, in general)…
compartmentalize themselves, their behaviors, and their lives
Treat different aspects of a relationship separately instead of integrating them into one coherent bond.
Enjoy closeness and attention in private moments, but behave differently in other social or personal contexts.
Separate affection from loyalty, so emotional intimacy doesn’t translate into protective or ethical behavior.
Immediate social context: switch “roles” depending on convenience, novelty, or external validation without feeling conflict.
reinterpret or downgrade relationships
Mentally minimize the significance of the relationship when behavior contradicts earlier promises.
Tell themselves: “We weren’t that close,” or “He/she takes things too seriously,” to justify flippancy.
Shift blame to the other person for being “too demanding” or “too sensitive.”
Use reinterpretation as a shield against moral responsibility or ethical accountability.
prioritize convenience, novelty, or supply over loyalty
Choose personal amusement, attention, or social convenience instead of protecting the relationship.
Accept my time, attention, and devotion without reciprocating or valuing it.
Seek emotional or sexual supply from others while keeping me accessible.
Treat my presence as interchangeable with any available source of attention, rather than unique or precious.
live by intent-based morality instead of impact-based
Judge themselves primarily on conscious intent, not the harm caused.
Assume: “I didn’t mean to hurt him/her; therefore, I did nothing wrong.”
Ignore the structural impact of their actions, even when it damages trust, closeness, or intimacy.
Never feel the guilt I would expect when someone undermines my investment in them.
have flippancy towards my value
Take what I offer (time, attention, wisdom, affection, intimacy) as temporary, expendable, or entertaining.
Fail to recognize the uniqueness of my presence, my gifts, or my moral seriousness.
Treat meaningful moments as disposable or “just a moment” rather than something sacred.
use my investment for personal value
Take advantage of my guidance, care, or insights to advance their social or personal status elsewhere.
Gossip about my vulnerabilities or stories to others.
Plagiarize my ideas, strategies, efforts, and our shared experiences for attention elsewhere.
Flit in and out of my life with no thought of my emotional investment.
have inconsistent ethical behavior
Perform acts of care (rides, hosting, acts of service) without moral grounding or deeper valuation of me.
Promise exclusivity, loyalty, or shared commitment, but act contrary to those promises.
Never integrate their actions into a consistent moral framework that protects my well-being.
focus on social belonging and immediate social “safety” over relationship protection
Align with social pressures, peers, or convenience even when it contradicts our bond.
Allow gossip, mocking, or trivialization of me to happen rather than defend or protect me.
Let group acceptance override responsibility to the person who invested deeply in them.
are emotional but unanchored
Can feel or simulate emotions like love, attachment, or closeness without connecting them to ethical obligations.
Can enjoy intimate moments or affection while maintaining zero structural duty toward the other person.
experience their own deception without guilt
Can knowingly say what I “want to hear” (i.e. what I understand as our sharing reality and mutual needs and wants), while acting against it.
Can maintain the illusion of alignment, exclusivity, or shared values while actively undermining or ignoring them.
Lack of moral discomfort because their internal system doesn’t integrate relational duty with feelings or words.
It’s extremely difficult for me to grasp that the people I cared about live and operate these ways.
They accept, enjoy, or even generate (the illusion of) closeness, but never treat it as something precious, unique, or protected. My time, care, devotion, and ethical seriousness are never treated as valuable in themselves, only as something to use, enjoy, or manipulate at their convenience.
My moral and relational architecture assumes closeness equates to sacred responsibility, while theirs does not.
For me:
- Closeness means responsibility, loyalty and protection
Others orientation function more like:
- Closeness means experiences and flexible priorities
Convenience, comfort, stimulation, and emotional supply often take priority.
It is extremely painful for me that people I cared about and loved are this way. Had I known how they are, I would not have been involved with them.
But it helps me so much to have it all laid out like in this blog post because I can see exactly where the mismatch was. I can see that those people choose to be and function in ways which I don’t want to be part of. I can see that I wasn’t the one with the problem—other than my not recognizing those people actually want to live this way (yikes).
Anyone who chooses to operate and be those ways absolutely cannot value me or a relationship with me: that is very obvious.
Do need to talk with someone who is Pro truth, Pro reality, Realist, Genuine, Sincere? I’d love speak with you.