The Only One Who Sees Me

Being seen, witnessed and deeply known by someone who I love and trust, and collaborating life together in a shared reality is all I’ve ever really wanted.

Without meeting my person yet, without even a close friend who will meet me at this level, I have finally learned that I have to be okay with being the only one who knows and sees me.

This helped me to see how important it is that I keep everyone out of my space that I don’t want in it. And to not let my energy seep out.

Which has lead me to seeing how to actively be my own best friend. This includes knowing the importance of keeping myself company instead of being panicked in my body and imploding (a trauma response since childhood).

I am still learning how. But I’ve discovered talking aloud as much as possible shows me, on an on-going basis, that I am my own best friend who has compassion for me, listens to me, sees me, understands, relates…and stays.

Each little thing I do to take care of myself—with awareness and gentleness—is helping. Although, I still have a lot of resistance to that. It feels like a chore. But it keeps getting better each time as I see that I’m not giving up on caring for myself. By continuing self-care, I am working on developing the trust that I will not change my mind, that I will not go back to believing that I’m not worth the work if I’m alone in life.

I couldn’t do this without my hope in Jesus. No way. All my hope is in Him and in believing He is real.

And now, Lord, what wait I for? my hope is in thee.
Psalms 39:7 KJV

It is a tremendous risk to be my own best friend and to not desperately look outside for someone who will be with me and keep my company in this life. It was so much easier looking for someone to be my ally or trying to fix bad relationships—than to stay here with only me.

It’s so risky. It’s like taking each step, with my eyes closed, unsure if there is ground beneath me. That’s what doing life alone feels like for me.

I have to just take each step and let the chips fall where they may. Jesus can help me or let me fall…that’s up to Him. He knows I am totally and completely in His hands.

Do you need to talk to someone who understands and relates on a deep level? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.