Why I Have Been ‘Stranded and Alone’

In October 2024, I wrote a blog post called Stranded and Alone in which I share a portion of my digging into why I have always felt stranded and alone in life. I really had to dig deeply into this after my last relationship where I essentially re-lived versions of my up-bringing via re-experiencing all of the emotional and psychological pain—but even more intensely because I was with someone who I chose, who I loved so deeply, and I truly believed we wanted and needed the same things. I believed to my core: “Finally, my person who gets it; and who, unlike my family-of-origin, actually wants to be with me, hear what I had to say, and is on the same page.”

It was devastating to realize I was wrong; yet, my intuition and awareness certainly picked up on every single red flag and deal-breaker. Yet, I still didn’t want to give up because, thanks to my trauma, I thought my seeing potential meant I could help coax out that potential; I thought that, because I have the ability to see and relate to the trauma under coping mechanisms, certainly that would be highly-valued and highly-needed by the other person. As such, the other person would be as relieved as I was to finally meet the one to do life with.

I thought, “Finally, I won’t be stranded and alone in the desert. Finally, I am with another person who sees the desert and wants out of it; and not just out of it, but wants a co-pilot during and after the entire journey out of the desert.”

In fact, having a co-pilot actually makes the desert itself irrelevant because we have each other, and our journey together is our lives.

So, what is the desert analogy? The desert, it turns out, is a place that isn’t a match for who I am, what I have to offer, and what I need:

All I’ve ever needed is this: Shared reality in Axioms, Alignment, and a Pair-Bonded Sacred Partnership/Allyship.

In the desert, I have spent most of my energy, striving, healing and trying to incorporate the desert into my life and orientation. I had tried to make relationships work so I didn’t have to maneuver through the desert alone.

The desert is actually a pretty disturbing place for me and always has been. But I blamed myself for feeling this way. I also blamed myself for seemingly not having what it takes to deal with the desert by myself.

What has changed for me is my recognizing that, indeed, the desert is disturbing. And I see why: most people rely on performance, entertainment, distraction, dissociation, magical thinking, superficiality, moral relativism and flitting in and out of people’s lives.

I had always given people the benefit-of-the-doubt by expecting them, especially those I put any effort into, to have similar axioms. I expected people to be aware of and desire deep alignment (which is not compliance with the games, performances, and superficiality). And now I know that no one, but my adult children, have this in common with me. Every single person I invested in, who I saw potential for deep connection with, was not this way at all.

I have finally fully embraced my need for deep, sacred, allyship / partnership only with someone who shares axioms and alignment. I’m wired for what’s called pair-bonding.

My life, like many others, is full of obligations and mundane. For me, these things should be done together with my partner. Also, I deeply process life, everything has some sort of meaning to me, every choice matters, environment matters, what we focus on matters, etc. I need my partner to process it all together; to put our minds together, to make choices together, to create a life together. I need someone who also sees the desert and doesn’t want any part of it either. Without lining up in these ways, I don’t have anyone who gives me relevant and accurate feedback and input.

Being without alignment with another who has similar axioms and not having a sacred partnership and allyship is the desert itself; it is being stranded and alone.

Seeing I was wrong about everyone I had been involved with each on varying levels, including my parents, has been shocking—which is an understatement. Potential and proximately and even the right words mean absolutely nothing. My gifts, abilities, needs, and my motivation for healing; my axioms; my ability for deep alignment; my ability to carry the emotional and intellectual load; and what I have to give partnership mean absolutely nothing with people who do not value these things, and who do not desire to go there deeply with me, let alone with themselves.

I really don’t care anymore if I am the only one who has the axioms and relational needs that I do. I am willing to be stranded and alone in the desert and to maneuver through it all by myself. It’s not fulfilling. It’s not enjoyable. It is extremely lonely. But I no longer settle. In other words, I no longer leave myself stranded and alone.

I no longer try to get people to believe me about my experiences, who I am, my perspective, my needs, my abilities and gifts. I no longer try to teach people how to get real and have integrity. I no longer try to create alignment where there is none. I no longer assume people who have trauma value, thus cherish and protect, quality relationships (this was extra tough for me to believe and accept). I no longer believe that tolerating superficiality is a rite to passage. I no longer believe something is wrong with me for what I see and what I need.

It’s hard to not be completely disgusted with all the complete and total B.S. I tolerated my entire life and with my still having to deal, by myself, with the performances and willful blindness in the desert—especially with the decades of sincerity and work I have done, virtually alone, to be accountable, heal, grow, learn and genuine attempts to help others in my personal life do the same. But the benefit of fully experiencing this disappointment and disgust is that I now absolutely and completely keep every bit of nonsense out of my space and life.

Anyone who is my match will find me because of my protecting myself, not in spite of it. And the attempts of those who have tried to shame me and used me as their scapegoat, along with their enabling flying monkeys, fall flat because I finally see that they are irrelevant to me.

Aligned, pair-bonded, sacred partnership/allyship:

• shared axioms

• shared reality

• shared ethics

• behavioral accountability

• exclusivity and shared structure

• co-processing, co-creating, and allyship

Are you done with the B.S.? I’d love speak with you. Pro truth. Pro reality. Realist. Genuine. Sincere.