Being an ‘Introvert’ Isn’t What I Thought

I used to think that I was an introvert because I get sick of dealing with the public, I don’t do superficial relationships, I’d rather be at home than be around groups of people, and doing the song-and-dance customer service “friendliness” is annoying and disingenuous to me.

I’m particular about who I spend my time with and around. I don’t care about periodically “catching up” with people who don’t show up in my day-to-day personal life. Performances and “niceness” don’t fool me into thinking anything special is going on—in fact, quite the opposite. I’m unimpressed with superficiality.

I’m serious, genuine and conscientious—rather than being a people-pleaser and “acting nice” or otherwise concerned with manipulating my image with others.

I consider playfulness to be a part of intimacy with someone in whom I invest, and I experience it as closeness and bonding.

I have strong ethics, standards and principles I live by—even when no one else is around. I focus on learning, growth, healing, and awareness.

I preserve my effort, time and focus for the few who matter to me, as well as the few who genuinely need support in being and doing better. I am very protective of the people I care about.

Granted, I experimented with being very social, even partying, etc. when I hadn’t yet realized that there was nothing out there that I am missing—I assumed there must be data and experiences I was missing because I could never find anyone on the same page as me and I was always incredibly lonely and unfulfilled (plus, told by people I loved that I was messed up). I thought getting out there would increase the chances of meeting my one person. I now know it’s just that I structurally orientate toward life and relationships very differently than most. I’m very much pair-bonding oriented with someone who shares perspective, values, and reality with me—in ways I’ve never even seen except between my children and me (but in a parent-child way) in the essence of the fictional Jason Bourne-Marie relationship. As such, it does mean loneliness is inevitable for a time.

I don’t like to be looked at or noticed by anyone who I am not close to. I believe in truth even if it’s uncomfortable or hurts; truth is safety I stand on and feel secure with.

All of the above is how I’ve understood introversion.

So when I have encountered, throughout my life, people who had a small or no social circle, were home a lot, kept to themselves and were even socially-awkward (though, I don’t consider myself to be), and were pretty quiet, I assumed they were like me.

As such, I would deeply confide in such people. I assumed that they, like me, knew what it big deal it was to have someone who fully understood, related to, and resonated with their need to have just one person actually care, tell them the truth, be very vulnerable and invest in them. And of course, they were likely very relieved that I could see and relate to their trauma under their fight-or-flight coping mechanisms. I assumed, like me, they too wanted to heal.

Yet, oddly, none of these people seemed to relate to my experiences and perspectives. No one they personally encountered really bothered these people; wow, they were so easy-going. So I assumed, they were far more advanced in their growth and healing. And, as I tended to do, I would spend a lot of my effort in trying to paint a picture of where I was coming from with them, desperately seeking some common ground. To no avail. My own trauma had me continue to try. Being believed and resonated with has been so important to me as someone who has been gaslit by my family-of-origin since a young age..

I had similar assumptions about people who do healing type work and/or were very “spiritual.”

Finally, not very long again, it hit me. All of these people didn’t relate and share reality with be because they are all dissociated. And most if not all of them are magical thinkers. They live in fantasy. They are enthralled with strangers, individuals, groups of people, and even fictional characters—as if they are part of them, as if admiring those people somehow makes the admirer special too. And they don’t deeply connect with the people they supposedly love. Some (many?) of them have highly-active self romances—using voyeurism as stimulation for their fantasies. Since they were sensual stimulated by many people, and since they had low moral standards and ethics, no one really bothered them—rather, almost everyone is fantasy material to feed on and absorb (seeming to be a form voyeurism).

These people are very slippery and won’t define what they want and don’t want. Some would say that’s from the trauma. But I believe it’s because they don’t want to limit their options (even if their options are scraps and crumbs). And they don’t want to be accountable for and held to what they say; so they say very little. This causes people like me to share more as I assumed they were very receptive, and like i said, I was trying to create shared reality to them. Instead I just gave them more energy and attention to absorb, and more intel to use elsewhere.

They feed off of attention and being included even though they seem shy and socially-awkward.

“Introverts” in social media always bothered me. Now I know why. They claim to not be able to deal with people and to not want to be around people. But it’s not because of their high standards and being particular about the character of the people. No, it’s because they avoid being accountable in relationship. They avoid having to consider someone else in choices and decisions. And they certainly don’t hold themselves precious and sacred. They want to be looked at and watched by the entire world. They may seem like they aren’t into people, yet they desperately need every person to see them. Anyone can have a piece of them.

I have changed my understanding of introversion now that I fully see all this.

I no longer call myself an introvert. I actually love to be around my loved ones. I really miss having my adult children in the same home. I really miss having a partner be with all the time. I love connection and sharing thoughts, perspective, ideas, feelings, issues with the people I love.

I won’t again be fooled by introverts. And I no longer use that term to describe myself.

Do need to talk with someone who is Pro truth, Pro reality, Realist, Genuine, Sincere? I’d love speak with you.